After a string of awful relationships in my teenage years and my 20’s, I recently realised that my Autism and ADHD (AuDHD) made me more vulnerable to toxic relationships. This isn’t because there’s anything wrong with me, far from it! But challenges with things like emotional regulation, communication, and recognising manipulation can make navigating relationships more difficult. Below are some key insights into why AuDHD girls like me might be more at risk for unhealthy or harmful relationship dynamics:

Alexithymia/Hyper-Empathy

Many of us AuDHD girls experience something called alexithymia, which means we have a hard time identifying, understanding, or expressing our emotions. It can be tricky for us to tell the difference between a physical feeling (like being tired or hungry) and an emotional one (like sadness or anxiety). Because of this, we might struggle to describe how we feel or to notice our own emotional reactions in the moment. This can make it harder for us to connect with others emotionally or to navigate social situations with confidence. For some of us, being autistic also means emotions take longer to process. We might not realise that we were uncomfortable, upset, or hurt until well after something has happened. That delayed understanding can make it even harder to protect ourselves in the moment, especially in unhealthy or toxic relationships.

At the same time, many of us AuDHD girls experience hyper-empathy which is an incredibly strong sensitivity to other people’s emotions. We might feel what someone else is feeling so deeply that it almost becomes our own emotion. While this can be a beautiful trait, it can also be exhausting! In emotionally intense environments, like a toxic relationship, hyper-empathy can lead to us feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or completely drained. It can also make setting emotional boundaries really difficult, which unfortunately makes it easier for others to take advantage of our kindness and emotional openness.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD, is something many AuDHD people experience. It’s a term used to describe the intense emotional pain that can come from feeling rejected, criticised, or like we’ve failed, even if the rejection is only perceived. For some of us, even small moments of feeling unappreciated or misunderstood can trigger big emotional responses, like deep sadness, shame, or anger. These feelings can be overwhelming and may seem “too much” to others, but they’re very real for us!

RSD can also make it hard for us to express our needs or ask for help, especially if we’re already afraid of being seen as too much, too needy, or a burden. Many neurotypical people assume that if someone needed support, they would simply speak up. But for AuDHD girls with RSD, the fear of rejection or being dismissed can be so strong that we stay quiet—even when we’re struggling. This can lead others to believe that we’re doing just fine, when inside, we may be feeling anything but.

Masking

Masking is something many AuDHD girls do, often without even realising it. It means hiding or downplaying parts of ourselves to fit in, feel accepted, or meet the expectations of the world around us. This might look like copying how others talk or act, rehearsing what to say in conversations, or forcing ourselves to be social even when it feels overwhelming or exhausting.

It takes a huge amount of energy to keep up this kind of performance day after day. Over time, it can leave us feeling drained, anxious, or even disconnected from who we really are. Because many of us are so good at masking (usually from being socialised to be a certain way from a younger age), our autism and ADHD often goes unnoticed or gets misdiagnosed, especially compared to boys, who might show more obvious signs in social settings.

This constant pressure to “seem normal” can lead to depression, burnout, and a deep sense of loneliness. When we are already feeling low, hopeless, or isolated, it becomes even harder for us to recognise an unhealthy relationship, let alone find the strength to leave it. Sadly, toxic partners can take advantage of our vulnerabilities, using guilt, manipulation, or emotional abuse to stay in control. For many of us AuDHD girls, the weight of masking combined with emotional exhaustion can make it feel like there’s no way out.

Low Self-Esteem

Because of all these challenges, many of us end up struggling with low self-esteem. When you don’t feel good about yourself or question your worth, it becomes much harder to spot unhealthy behaviour, or to believe you deserve something better. That can make us more likely to stay in toxic relationships, even when we’re being mistreated, manipulated, or emotionally neglected.

For some of us, the fear of being alone feels more bearable than the risk of being rejected again. Setting boundaries or walking away can seem impossible when our confidence is already low. Unfortunately, toxic partners often pick up on this and may take advantage of it. They may reinforce feelings of inadequacy, making us feel like they need us, even when the relationship is hurtful.

Over time, this creates a painful cycle: low self-esteem makes it easier to fall into unhealthy patterns, and the relationship itself chips away at whatever confidence is left. Breaking that cycle can be really hard, but understanding it is a powerful first step, and gradually building self-confidence will help you to recognise that you do NOT have to accept being treated badly.

How to Help

Helping an AuDHD girl in a toxic relationship requires patience, empathy, and a non-judgmental approach. Start by creating a safe space where they feel heard and supported, without pressure or criticism. Gently encourage self-reflection and help them recognise unhealthy patterns, while reminding them of their worth and right to feel safe and respected. Offer resources like counselling, support groups, or helplines, and let them know you’re there for them no matter what. Change takes time, so be patient and consistent in your support.

Helplines:

Samaritans: 116 123

Mind: 0300 102 1234

Relate: 0300 100 1234

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428

National Autistic Society: 0808 808 3555

Author

Written by Chloe Webster-Harris