by Lara Rodwell

Why Loneliness is So Common for Autistic Girls

Autistic people are four times more likely to experience loneliness than non-autistic people. Research shows this isn’t because of a lack of desire for meaningful connections, but because the neurotypical world often limits opportunities to form them. Whether it’s navigating sensory challenges in busy social settings, needing to retreat after periods of masking and small talk, or facing financial barriers due to a lack of workplace accommodations, autistic people face obstacles that make connecting with others difficult. There are simply not enough spaces where autistic individuals can thrive socially, and the resulting chronic loneliness can have a profound impact on mental health and wellbeing.

Early Experiences of Isolation

For me, as an undiagnosed autistic girl, loneliness began in my teens. My identical twin sister became ill with anorexia nervosa and spent much of the next decade in psychiatric units across the country. Almost overnight, I lost my best friend – my “safe” person.

I’d always been shy and sensitive, and as a teen, this manifested in becoming the “quiet, good student.” The type of student who never causes trouble, always does extra homework, and even lets others copy their (revised-to-perfection) answers. Academics was something I could control. But I couldn’t control the unpredictability of face-to-face interactions, potential conflicts, or the subtle social cues of peers. My sister and I could read each other’s minds; without her, I was left to navigate school alone.

I began isolating myself. Lunchtimes were spent in the library under the guise of revision, and I declined after-school invitations to “hang out” with friends, saying I needed to see my sister. My high-achieving, polished exterior meant no one questioned my behaviour – or thought to ask if I was lonely.

Masking and Its Consequences

What people didn’t see was the effort it took to hold everything together – the social anxiety I masked behind politeness and perfectionism. By the end of the day, I was exhausted. The idea of socialising by choice felt impossible.

Many autistic girls share this experience. From a young age, we learn to mask – to study others’ behaviour, to copy, to blend in, to appear “fine.” Behind that calm exterior, there can be deep loneliness. The quietness we’re praised for can actually be fear, exhaustion, or sensory overwhelm.

Research shows that autistic girls are often underdiagnosed because they conceal their autistic traits. Masking can have serious long-term consequences: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, social isolation, and in some cases, self-harm. The constant mental and emotional load, combined with internalised struggles, makes autistic girls more susceptible to mental health challenges.

Living with the Long-Term Impact

For me, this meant years of anxiety and depression, and challenges at university, work and in relationships. As an adult, I’ve rarely lasted more than seven months in a job because the mental cost of masking and unmet needs is too high. I’ve relied on high-dose antidepressants for over five years; without them, I wouldn’t be able to function in a neurotypical world.
These experiences feed directly into loneliness – feeling different, watching life come easily for others while it feels exhausting for me. I have to try harder just to keep up, yet even then, it never feels like enough.

What Helped – and What Could Have Helped

What I needed wasn’t to try harder to be “more social.” It was to be seen: to have someone recognise that being quiet, well-behaved, and unassuming doesn’t mean being content. It doesn’t mean I was “fine” or not struggling under my carefully crafted mask – my safety blanket in a world where I always felt unsafe.

When teachers, parents, and peers look beyond the “good girl exterior” and listen to what’s unspoken, loneliness doesn’t have to be a lifelong habit. I wish my 13-year-old self had someone who looked past the mask. We need spaces where girls can just be themselves, and resources to spot loneliness in autistic girls – diagnosed or undiagnosed – before it becomes chronic.

We need to break the cycle autistic girls are often conditioned into: adapt, perform, comply, repeat. If I could give my 13-year-old self one piece of advice: don’t shrink yourself for anyone or anything. Feel safe to take up space. Seek help and mentorship if needed. Embrace your unique gifts and skills. And above all, don’t feel shame for being different. Your differences will allow you to create positive change in ways you can’t yet imagine.

Understanding and validation can transform an autistic girl’s experience of school and life. That’s why I’m passionate about developing resources for schools and communities: to help recognise loneliness in autistic girls before it becomes chronic and invisible, and to create environments where they can belong without having to perform.

Bio

Lara Rodwell is a writer and founder of The Lonely Club, a wellbeing platform with a community of 15,000+ followers that explores mental health, loneliness, and connection. She is passionate about creating honest, relatable content that amplifies the voices of neurodivergent people and fosters understanding. Through her writing and advocacy, she aims to empower autistic girls and women to embrace their experiences and find supportive communities.